What Is Menopause Doing To My Body?

Lee Kelly • March 2, 2021
I used to know my body.

I appreciated it’s cycles, it’s rhythms, it’s predictability. I knew when I was ovulating — a deep ache in my lower groin.

I’d feel aroused.

I had a monthly period, it was always on time, ‘regular’, light. The week before my period I’d feel bloated, bitchy, untouchable.

My period would end and the cycle would begin again. I would eagerly wait for my body to enter the lush, fertile few weeks mid-cycle. Sex was easy then. I wanted it and my body was ripe and orgasmic.

Now… I’m ‘menopausal’.

AND MY CLITORIS FEELS NUMB?!

I told my partner. He was horrified.

“What… it can’t be totally numb, can it? Surely there’s some sensation?”

‘Numb — deprived of sensation, without feeling, numbed, benumbed, dead, deadened, desensitized.’ Google Dictionary

It’s numb.

I’m only 54.

I’m fit, healthy, vibrant, sexy and I will NOT put up with a numb clitoris.

I googled desperately. The news was not good. Some women’s clitoris and labia shrink during menopause.
I can cope with mood swings, hot flushes, night sweats, weight gain, bigger boobs, brain fuzz. I cannot cope with a shrunken clitoris.

That’s just cruel.

I examined myself carefully. Was it smaller? I wasn’t sure. But it still had NO sensation. Stroking my ankle felt more pleasurable.

I needed help!

I booked in to see a local doctor, a woman a few years older than me. I hoped she would have some secret remedy or words of wisdom that didn’t involve going on medication.

As soon as I mentioned ‘clitoris’ and ‘orgasm’ she blanked on me. Nothing! No comment, no flicker of interest, nothing!

I was baffled.

Was this something women don’t talk about? Was it inappropriate for me to bring it up?
Was I a freak? Abnormal? Doomed to never have another orgasm?

Who could help me?

I didn’t think it was simply a matter of getting a multi-purpose vibrator, trying a new position or slapping on some wonder cream. My body felt out of alignment.

I felt I was lacking a necessary ingredient for helping a clitoris behave normally.

I decided to see an old Chinese acupuncturist, who is known in the area as ‘The Chinaman’.
I arrived at his clinic — a quirky, blue weatherboard house perched on the side of a hill.

“What your problem?” he asked me.

“Ahhh, well… I still feel like sex but there’s no sensation… down there!”

“I help. I make sexy again”

He then put an acupuncture needle in the right side of my clitoris. And left it there for an hour.

There was sensation.

Oh yeah!

I couldn’t wait to get home and try out my awakened body.

BEST ORGASM in months!

I wanted to go back the next day but unfortunately had to wait a week.

When I arrived The Chinaman said, “I no needle there today. We need open your kidney channel. You shut down below. We open you and make young again.”

I was disappointed. I wanted that needle in exactly the same spot. I wanted my body to feel easy and open. I wanted my clitoris to be as responsive as it was when I was 16.

Instead, he carefully placed needles down my abdomen and in my ankles. After a few minutes, I could feel the energy begin to flow.

“You wait. No sex for two days. Let energy build.”

It worked. Less intense this time but my channel was definitely open.

It’s mostly stayed open since that first awakening. Sometimes I still lose my orgasm. But I visit the Chinaman for some acupuncture to re-balance my energy.

It’s always effective.

He suggested I drink Epimedium Tea commonly known as Horny Goat Weed. I ordered a big bag of dried epimedium leaves and brew up a pot every few days. I’ve found this to be awesome for my libido and energy levels.

I make my partner drink it too and I’m pretty happy with the result!

Menopause is a damn hard time for most women.

Our bodies betray us in many ways. I feel like I’m constantly relearning my body and just when I think I’ve got it sorted, my clitoris loses sensitivity or I have a week of sheet soaking night sweats.

Why is menopause so hard for women?

Apart from all the physical symptoms and changes, it’s a feeling of loss.
Loss of the familiar, loss of fertility, loss of libido, loss of control, loss of youth. It signifies a transition into another stage of life.

“It’s the Crone stage”, my I-know-everything-about-menopause friend told me gleefully.

CRONE?!

This makes me think of an old, wrinkled witch with a hair-sprouting-mole on her chin! The popular definition today is more empowering:

‘A “Croning” is a ritual rite of passage into an era of wisdom, freedom, and personal power. Some feminist authors have defined the crone archetype in a positive light, as a powerful and wise old woman’

I don’t want to get old!

I don’t want to lose my youthful energy and vigour.

I don’t want to lose my orgasm. And I definitely don’t want to be a crone, yet!

But I am! I’m ageing. My body’s changing.

It’s inevitable.

So how can women navigate menopause?

How can we make this transition with patience and grace? How do we cope with the unpredictable changes that come upon our bodies?

How do we continue to feel good about ourselves?

Get help
As a massage therapist, I treat many women going through menopause. The most common thing I hear is,

“I’m having terrible hot flushes. I’m finding it so hard to cope.”

I ask what they’re doing to help.

“Oh not much really, I’m trying out some herbs, I think they’re helping. The flushes can’t go on for much longer, can they?”

Hot Flushes can last for years.

Why would you want to endure that when there are great therapies and remedies available. Explore the options.

Be open.

Talk to someone. Find a doctor or alternative therapist that is supportive of you and your desire to find solutions.

I now have an awesome woman doctor who I’ve explored whether to take Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) or not. I feel completely non-judged by her as I make decisions for my body.

I use bio-identical hormone therapy — hormone creams which are created specifically for my body after a saliva test to determine my hormone levels. I was completely deficient in testosterone, progesterone, and was oestrogen dominant. This imbalance was creating havoc in my body.

Using the hormone creams, and receiving acupuncture to rebalance my energy and restore my libido, has been life-changing.

Be creative. Explore everything. Your experience of menopause is unique to you as will be what helps you cope.

A 49-year-old friend is just beginning to go through menopause. She finds herself wanting to cry over ridiculous things.

At lunch with a friend, she received a salad with leaves of uncut kale in it. She likes kale to be finely cut. Her eyes began to brim with tears and she thought, “This is not me, it’s got to be biological. I don’t cry over uncut kale!”

She’s a meditation teacher and finds the daily practice of stilling her mind helpful in dealing with overwhelming emotion and random tears.

Don’t give up on your body or yourself. Get the help you need. No-one should endure the misery of hormonal imbalance.

Don’t settle for it.

Some women swear by HRT. Other women swear never to use it and prefer alternative treatments. Do your own research. Be proactive.

Talk to other women.

Women who have gone through menopause — ask them what they did to cope.

I have a friend who is 78 — you wouldn’t think so. She looks incredible, is fit, healthy, intelligent and still enjoys an active sex life with her much younger lover.

“Oh sometimes it takes a bit longer to have an orgasm,” she says.

Great orgasms at 78! She gives me hope.

Another older friend said,

“I had terrible vaginal dryness but I just used some oestrogen cream and lots of lube! Sex is still good — I just have to be more prepared and help my body along.”

Other women have spoken about how great it is to be free of monthly bleeding and the relief of not having to buy sanitary products.

Or the freedom of not having to worry about getting pregnant.

I’m inspired by older women who age gracefully, embrace their changing bodies and allow their inner beauty to shine.

I would like to be at peace with my body and its process of change.

Make peace with your body

I’ve been with my current partner for five years — we met when I was 49, perimenopausal and on the cusp of the full onslaught. 
He’s been endlessly patient with me as I’ve had to relearn my body.

What I’ve discovered is that I need endless patience with myself and my body.

Plus, I have to be really open to communicating my needs. This is the same at any age when being sexually intimate. It becomes especially important when your body is not behaving in the way you want or expect.

Sometimes midway through a sexual encounter, I realise my body is just not going to get over its hump and reach orgasm. I’ll say something like,

“Hey, I don’t think I’m going to come… it’s still feeling really good”.

This allows us both to relax into the experience rather than the pressure of me ‘trying’ to push my body to have an orgasm.

I’ve had to release my expectations around sex, always having an orgasm and the fairness of my partner having one when I don’t. It’s not from a lack of trying, just my body being unpredictable.

It’s about accepting my body.

This week, my body is in a low-flow place. I’m tired, flat, grumpy, unorgasmic. I feel annoyed with life. And I get scared that this is it, my reality for the rest of my life.

The best thing I can do is remind myself that ‘this too shall pass’.

My body always comes back online. I can just relax, be patient, be nurturing and kind to myself.

That’s often the hardest thing to do.

Nurture Yourself

How does this look for you?

For me its:

Running a deep, hot bath with candles.
Sitting in the sun, reading a book.
Getting a massage, a facial, pedicure, acupuncture — giving my body some love and attention.
Going to the gym, a walk, run or bike ride — moving my body, stretching, sweating.
Meeting up with a friend for lunch, a movie, a laugh.
Taking time to write in my journal, ponder my life, meditate, visualise, create.
Telling myself I’m amazing and it’s all going to be ok.
Asking for what I need from my partner — time alone, a hug, a foot rub, sex.

It’s always something simple.

To survive menopause, it has to become all about YOU.

What do you need now in your life? What does your body need?

How can you best nurture yourself?

I refuse to succumb to feeling disgusting. Every day I do little things to help me cope with my body and it’s changing needs. I’ve become more attuned to what my body is needing.

I ask, “How am I feeling today?” Tired? Worried? Stressed? Low energy? Sore? Anxious?

I take action.

If I feel anxious, tired, low energy and I’m sexually unresponsive then I need a charge of energy.

What’s my strategy?

I’ll book in for acupuncture. I’ll lighten my massage load for a few days. I may take a day off.

Or maybe I need a saliva test to check my hormone levels? I’m struggling to achieve orgasm so my oestrogen levels could be too high.

I’ll have a deep bath, go to bed early. Or I’ll exercise. Clear my mind, get the energy moving.

Menopause is a challenging time. It can be debilitating.

Figure out your strategy.

The Gifts

There are many gifts that come with this stage in a woman's life.

A 58-year-old massage client says,

“It’s helped me to slow down — it does have a ‘pause’ in it!”

A competent businesswoman, she was afflicted with terrible anxiety and ended up requiring some time on medication to cope. She was forced to lighten her workload, step down from several boards and restructure her life.

She sees this as a gift and an opportunity for change.

The biggest ‘gift’ for me is that I’m having to really give my body some attention. I can no longer exist on little sleep or eat a load of sugar. To have the vibrancy and energy I want requires more diligence and my body soon lets me know if I’ve been slack.

I’m learning patience with myself. I no longer choose to rush about trying to please everyone. I have to honour my needs and communicate with others clearly what they are.

This takes courage.

I feel less need to impress others, to strive to be the best, be perfect. I’m more interested in supporting younger people to achieve their goals and dreams. I don’t need to be the person up front ‘doing it all’.

But I do have a desire to share my voice with the world, what I’ve learned, bits of wisdom and inspiration.




By Lee Kelly September 1, 2021
I discovered Power Posing several years ago when I listened to a TED Talk by Amy Cuddy , a Social Psychologist from the Harvard Business School. Her studies affirm what I have been observing for years as I coach people to become aware of their body language, how it affects the way they feel and how they speak in public. Amy selected two groups of MBA students. One group sat or stood in positions of low power - bodies closed, legs crossed, arms folded, shoulders hunched forward. The second group sat or stood in positions of power - arms straight out to the side or above their head, shoulders open and back, legs in a wide, open stance. Both groups held these open or closed body positions for 2 minutes and then their saliva was tested. Amazingly, the power poser's showed a 15% increase in testosterone , the hormone that configures our brain to be more assertive, confident and creative. The low power poser's showed an increase in cortisol, the stress hormone. Both groups undertook a series of games and exercises after the posing and the power poser's showing greater rates of concentration, aptitude and creativity. We can change the physiology of our bodies simply by changing the the way we position ourselves. When preparing to speak in public, it is important to be aware of our body language - before and during our presentation. Power Posing is a quick and easy way to help combat nervousness and prepare us to speak with more confidence and assertiveness. It can help us feel more powerful. Find a quiet place to open your body for 2 minutes - hold a power pose and literally feel and know your energy is increasing. When waiting for your turn to speak, make sure your body is open - stretch your arms above your head, out to the side, roll your shoulders back. If sitting in a chair, be as open as you can - uncross your legs, straighten spine, roll shoulders back. Take a deep breath. Power posing is a fantastic way to prepare yourself for any life activity. And if you want to increase your confidence and presence as a speaker, power posing is an incredible tool.
By Lee Kelly August 29, 2021
How do we prepare and harness our mind before speaking? Why is this important? I've learned, the thoughts we keep thinking create beliefs about ourselves affecting how we live our lives and how we perform as a presenter. I always invite the people I'm coaching to investigate the dominant thoughts and beliefs they have about themselves. I ask them to do a 'brain dump' of all the negative, limiting thoughts they have. And these are often just the ones they're aware of! So many of our beliefs are unconscious and have been learned in childhood or passed down to us through our families. Often they begin with thoughts and beliefs specific to public speaking: "I speak too fast", "I stutter and garble my words", "I say um all the time", "I always forget my words", "My stories aren't interesting", "I hate the way I sound". Then as we peel back the layers, the negative thoughts and beliefs become more encompassing: "I'm a terrible speaker", "I'm scared of what people think of me", "I'm scared of being judged", "I don't feel of worth", "I'm not good enough". The most consistent and underlying limiting belief I've discovered is: "I'm not enough". Who am I to be sharing my thoughts, ideas and stories with you? Who do I think I am? I'm just not worthy, not good enough, not interesting enough, not clever enough, not attractive enough, just NOT ENOUGH!! The first step to overcoming and replacing these limiting thoughts and beliefs is to become aware of them. Catch them as they subtly and sneakily enter your mind. Don't beat yourself up for having them. Just observe and replace them with kinder, more affirming thoughts. "I speak too fast" to "I'm a well paced and measured speaker" "I say um all the time" to "I use pauses effectively" "I always forget my words" to "I remember my words with ease" "I'm a terrible speaker" to "I'm a confident speaker" "I'm not enough" to "I'm enough" An Affirmation is a short, powerful phrase we repeat to ourselves as often as possible so our mind begins to believe and act upon it. Remember a belief is simply a thought we keep thinking. Change our thoughts, change our beliefs, transform our lives. When we first create an affirmation it can be hard to believe and our mind condemns it. We know we always forget our words! We know we're a terrible speaker! This is the moment when you need to trust the process . Trust, as you replace a limiting thought with a new, affirming thought encouraging a new way of thinking or being and then repeating this thought as often as you can - your mind will come to believe this thought and a new belief is created. Your external world will then begin to reflect this new belief. Affirmations can seem too simple to be believable. Try them, they work! Luke and Mr Kuze When my son Luke was a 14 year old school boy, his favourite class was Japanese. He excelled in learning this language and he had an amazing memory. It was time for the yearly Japanese speech and Luke had prepared well. He knew his speech perfectly and planned to present it using no notes. Yet, a little nagging voice inside kept saying, "You might forget your words", "You should use cue cards just to be safe". The class was encouraged by the teacher Mr Kuze to use cue cards if they needed to - after all, it was a different language. But Luke knew he could remember it so why was he having this thought of needing cue cards? We talked about it. I asked him where this thought had come from? Why did he think he needed cue cards when he was so sure he would remember his speech? On reflection he realised the rest of his classmates were all using cue cards and this was the expected and encouraged thing to do. Luke was doubting his own ability and hooking into the belief that cue cards were necessary because a Japanese speech would be too hard to remember perfectly without them! Once this limiting belief was uncovered, Luke replaced it with, "I remember my Japanese speech perfectly" ,"I'm well prepared and speak confidently without cue cards". However, on the day of the speech, Luke had his cue cards tucked discreetly in his shorts pocket. Speakers before him all used cue cards and when it was his turn, he walked up to the front of the classroom and pulled out the cue cards as everyone else had. After speaking for a few moments, he realised the cue cards were a hindrance - his speech was flowing and he remembered everything he'd prepared. The cue cards disappeared back into his pocket and he finished his speech reinforcing the new belief - "I'm an amazing, confident speaker and I remember all I want to say!" As Luke sat down, Mr Kuze stood up, clapped his hands and exclaimed, "Excellent, Excellent". Luke received the top mark in the class for his speech. He also learned the power of harnessing his mind.
By Lee Kelly August 26, 2021
When it comes to speaking in front of others, the most powerful non verbal body language we engage in is what we do with our eyes. I remember when I was at high school and preparing to give one of the dreaded yearly speeches in English class. The teacher advised us to just fix our eyes on a spot at the very back of the room if we were feeling nervous. I was 16, it was my sixth form year and I was required to give a speech on someone famous. I chose Donald Duck! I learned my speech perfectly, I was well prepared, but I was terrified. I hated public speaking and managed to avoid any classes or activities that required standing up in front of a group of people. As I sat at my desk waiting for my turn to speak, the fear was so intense I wished I was dead. My name was called, I walked to the front. I didn't need notes as I'd memorised it. I faced the class...but I couldn't look at them. It was just too intimidating. The advice to look above them at the back wall was forgotten. I turned away from those faces watching me and gave my speech looking out towards the windows. Not once did I catch the eyes of my classmates! How do you think it went? Did I make an impact? Did I connect? Well, my friends remembered little about my speech and the history of Donald Duck. They have never forgotten how I refused to look at them as I spoke. I was teased for years! Consistent and continued eye contact as we speak is how we connect with others. As we connect with our eyes we can feel into the essence of the other person, we can really see them - who they are, their integrity, their honesty, their authenticity in that moment. And they see us! When we are public speaking, eye contact is essential for us to reach into our audiences hearts and convey the messages we're sharing. How much eye contact is enough? It's good to aim for 2-3 seconds of eye contact from one person to the next. This can depend on the size of the audience you're speaking too. In a small to medium sized group, aim to sweep your eyes over the whole group so they all feel included. It's important to not just flick your eyes around without a meaningful connection with anyone. Aim to pause for those few seconds and feel the connection. In a larger audience, aim to connect eyes with those in the first few rows of people and as far back as you can. As you make the effort to fully engage with your eyes, it becomes a natural and easy thing to do. When we're nervous it's tempting to not look at anyone and instead focus on our notes, the roof, the back of the room etc...However if we can have courage and find a friendly face, meet their eyes, pause for 2-3 seconds, really feel into that connection, then there is a wonderful exchange of energy and support that takes place. You feel supported. They feel seen. Your words have much greater impact and power. Practice using more eye contact in your daily life with the people you come into contact with. Think about the 2-3 second timeframe. Try going longer and see how that feels. In the courses I run I often get the group to hold eye contact with each other for up to 10 seconds! This is an intense experience and good practice to realise how easy 2-3 seconds is. As you practice your daily eye contact, become aware of how you feel as you consciously hold the connection with the other person. Bring this into your public speaking and see what happens. You'll be transformed into an authentic, powerful speaker!
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